


Anything but fine

by Royalsciencenerd



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Hallucinations, Or Is he?, Panic Attacks, Running Away, Sad Varian (Disney), Self-Hatred, Varian Angst (Disney), Varian Has Issues (Disney), Varian is straight up not having a good time, but he's fine, he's allowed to have a little PTSD and anxiety, the poor boy went through a whole year of crap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24705928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royalsciencenerd/pseuds/Royalsciencenerd
Summary: “I’m the bad guy, that’s fine,” he’d once said, and it was fine- in the moment. Now? Now it was anything but fine.It's been a week since Varian's redemption, and he's doing great. No problems readjusting here. Except that he isn't great- he's barely coping, but he can't let his dad or Rapunzel know how broken he is.Long story short, Varian reaches his breaking point, and runs away.
Relationships: Quirin & Rapunzel (Disney), Quirin & Varian (Disney), Rapunzel & Varian (Disney)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 115





	Anything but fine

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for: anxiety attacks, panic attacks, hallucinations, and self-hatred. I think that's it. If I missed something please let me know.  
>   
> This fic idea popped into my brain at work the other day and would not leave, so here we are. Yes I dumped all my anxiety onto Varian- deal with it. It was cathartic- 10/10 recommend. And besides, you can't tell me the poor boy lost his dad (when it was his own fault), was abandoned in Old Corona, labeled as a terrorist, battled a princess whose main weapon was glowing black rocks, was arrested and thrown in prison with a Saporian terrorist, and then almost died saving the kingdom from a massive explosion he would have been responsible for, and just walked away perfectly fine. That's not how that works. The boy has some issues (as seen in "Be very afraid"). This is just an expansion of what could have happened, or what might have happened off-screen.  
>   
> Anyways, enjoy this angsty mess of a story. :)

It’d been a week since Rapunzel had freed his father. A week since she’d saved the kingdom from the Saporian attack. A week since he had chosen to be on the right side of history.

The right side of history…. Varian sighed as he continued mopping his lab, trying to remove all of the amber ooze that clung to the ground. No, it seemed unlikely that history would remember him on the right side. One moment of righteous clarity didn’t make up for the many moments of villainy driven by blind rage and pain.

Not that he had cared in the moment…. Funny how that worked. At the time he had convinced himself he was on the right side of history. That the king was obviously an incompetent, apathetic monarch, and well… like father like daughter.

And while he still had some feelings to work through about that whole situation, Varian now knew he was in the wrong. Now that he had his dad back, had achieved his goal of setting him free and making him proud, he was realizing that no matter how many times he had told himself he didn’t care what others thought of him, the truth was he did.

So while he hadn’t cared in the moment what others thought of him, he cared now, and that was the problem. “I’m the bad guy, that’s fine,” he’d once said, and it was fine- in the moment. Now? Now it was anything but fine.

Varian’s musings were interrupted by his dad knocking on the door to the lab. Varian paused his mopping to look at his dad. It had been a week since his father had been freed from the amber and he was getting stronger. Being in that catatonic state for a year had weakened him, but he was doing considerably better. Varian was just glad to have him back.

“Son, dinner’s almost ready if you want to wash up and come join me in the kitchen.”

Varian nodded. “I’ll be right there, dad.” Looks like the mopping will have to wait. Varian sighed. Oh well…. Just add it to the list of his messes he still needs to clean up. What’s one more thing on an infinite list after all?

Shaking his head in an effort to dispel these thoughts, Varian followed his dad to the kitchen. There they went through the same routine they had for the past week. Quirin would ask Varian questions about his latest inventions, current events in Corona, etc., and Varian would tell his father about everything he had missed during the time in which he was… incapacitated.

Those first few nights had been extremely painful- recalling all he had done in his desperation to get his father back, in his anger at the useless monarchy, in his pain of losing everything he held dear. His father had listened patiently as Varian poured his heart out to him, vented about how unfair it all was, cried at how lost he had become, and sobbed when he admitted he was just relieved to have him back.

He knew now that he was wrong. He had been hurting and lost, but now he would do everything he could to make it right. His dad had listened attentively, and once Varian had finished his tale he had comforted his son. Varian had sobbed into his shoulder, apologizing profusely, and his dad had just stroked his hair and told him it was okay. That it was okay that he had been lost. It was okay that he had done horrible things. It was all okay, because he had redeemed himself, and now he was good again. It was okay, because his past doesn’t define him as much as his future. It was all going to be okay….

But that was the problem- it was not okay. Varian could tell his dad the stories of the horrendous atrocities he committed, but he wasn’t there. He could describe the look of fear on the king and queen’s faces, Rapunzel’s terror, but his dad wasn’t there.

Well, not really…. Technically speaking, his dad was there for all of it, present but not present. So close, and yet encased in amber, he might as well have been a million miles away. But that wasn’t the point.

The point was, his dad was experiencing his villainy and the consequences of it, secondhand. He wasn’t there. And that was Varian’s fault too. And he hated how his dad was acting like everything was fine, because it wasn’t. His dad just didn’t understand, and Varian couldn’t make him understand because he hadn’t been there, and that was his fault, and somehow his dad had forgiven him for that too, and honestly none of this made any sense to Varian. How could his father forgive him so easily?

Varian decided the answer was simple. He couldn’t. That was the only logical explanation. But he’d keep playing along. He had to admit he was enjoying this little ruse, the notion that everything was fine and that there was nothing to worry about. It was nice. He’d had so many things to worry about for so long, he couldn’t help but enjoy the relative sense of calm that had settled over the house. Even if it was fake.

Fake was fine though. Varian could play along easily enough. After all, if he could spend the last year successfully lying to himself that he was on the right side of history when he knew deep down he was wrong, then pretending that everything was as it should be would be a piece of cake.

So he smiled at his dad during their dinner conversations, laughed at his dad’s attempts at jokes, and giggled when Ruddiger got scolded for attempting to steal food from their plates, because he was good at pretending. He could play along. And he had to admit it was nice to pretend that it all was real. That he actually has a father who loves him and cares about him. One who pays attention to him, and notices him, and is proud of him.

So screw it if it’s all fake. Varian was content to just play along. Like his dad said- everything was okay. Everything’s fine…. Right?

~~~~~~

It had been a week and a half since Varian had gotten his dad back when they went into town together to get supplies. Varian hadn’t wanted to go, but his dad had insisted- something about spending more time together. Whatever….

The streets of Corona were packed with people- vendors selling their wares, young children playing games in the square, and adults bustling about on their own shopping trips. Varian cringed. He was hoping the market place wouldn’t be quite so busy, seeing as the townspeople still hated him and all. Yeah… this was not a good idea….

“Um, dad…,” Varian started, glancing nervously about at all the people who definitely hated him.

“Yes son?” Quirin replied, a small smile on his face.

“I was… I was thinking maybe I should wait here. You know…. Wouldn’t want to get in your way…,” Varian forced a chuckle, but it came out sounding like a choked gasp.

Quirin frowned. “You wouldn’t be in the way son. I actually could use your help carrying some of the supplies.” Catching the look of sheer terror on Varian’s face as he gazed into the crowd, Quirin paused. “Is something wrong son?”

Varian tore his eyes away from the mob to face his father. Plastering a grin on his face, Varian shook his head. “Nope! Um… no… nothing wrong here. Just- just didn’t want to be in the way is all. But if you want me here then I want to be here…. Definitely…. Nowhere else I’d rather be.” Perfect- nailed it Varian. Varian applauded his quick thinking in his head. He was getting really good at this whole “pretending everything was fine” thing.

His dad nodded, and if he looked a little skeptical, it was probably just the lighting. You know, stupid Corona sun and all, shining down 24/7. His dad was definitely just squinting because the sun was in his eyes. Duh…. Quit being paranoid Varian. Everything is fine- except it isn’t, but no one needs to know that- especially not dad.

Speaking of dad, he was heading towards the nearest shop in order to get some of the supplies on their list. Which means he should follow. Focus Varian- the time for freaking out is later. This is just a crowd. A crowd of people who really hate you, and probably want you dead, and could easily turn into an angry mob any second now, but this is fine. Everything is fine…. Oh look! That man’s selling pitchforks- that’s great- really… just… just peachy.

“You coming, son?” Quirin called from somewhere up ahead. He thinks…. It’s kind of hard to tell when he’s too busy trying NOT to have an anxiety attack in the middle of the town square thank you very much. But this is fine…. Everything is FINE! Just surrounded by people who hate him, who have access to various objects that could be used as weapons, and could lead to his very painful death, but this is fine…. He’s fine…. He has to be…. Now what was he doing?

“Varian?” Quirin called again, but closer this time. Oh right…. Following dad. He could do that.

Unfortunately, his little panic session had led to his father calling his name from 10 feet away. Which would normally be okay, except for the fact that he was surrounded by people who hated him. At the calling of his name, heads turned and eyes bore into Varian- eyes filled with fear, hate, and rage.

So much for not being noticed…. Varian sighed and hurried over to his dad, shielding himself from the townsfolks’ angry gazes using his dad’s strong frame. For what Varian thinks is probably the first time in his life, he’s thankful that he’s small for his age- it makes it so much easier to hide behind his father.

They manage to make it through the town and get all of their supplies without incident- it appears that while the people of Corona are willing to glare and mutter under their breath, none of them are bold enough to say something to his face. Which is fine by Varian, because their whispers are enough to frazzle his nerves without an actual confrontation. That is, until they are leaving town.

They are almost to the bridge that will take them out of Corona proper, and Varian is thanking his lucky star that it’s finally over- that he did it, when a voice cries out.

“Good riddance TRAITOR!”

Varian freezes in his tracks. Quirin, noticing his son is no longer at his side, pauses and turns to see Varian frozen in fear.

“You’re lucky the princess still lets you come around here, asshole. You destroyed my business with your rabid monster beast. If I was in charge, that scrawny neck of yours would be hanging from a noose where it belongs,” the voice sneers.

Varian can’t breathe. It must be the pollen in the air he thinks. Because his throat is definitely closing up, and he can’t breathe, and it has to be the pollen. Because if it’s not the pollen then he’s having an honest to goodness anxiety attack right here, right now, and that doesn’t make any sense because he’s fine. That’s what he told his dad. That’s what he told Rapunzel. That’s what he told himself. He’s fine. This is just the pollen. The stupid pollen triggering his allergies, not an anxiety attack triggered by some random voice. He’s fine.

Vaguely in the background, Varian can hear someone shouting, and someone arguing back. Funny- from what he can make out that sounds like his dad defending him and telling the owner of the voice to leave him alone. But that doesn’t make any sense because his dad never defends him- he always just apologizes to the townsfolk and scolds him later for his latest invention gone wrong.

Whatever…. He can figure out who’s screaming after he deals with the stupid allergy issue. Varian attempts to take a deep breath, and ends up choking on air. He can feel his hands shaking, so he clenches them into fists. This is one weird allergic reaction… maybe he should see the village doctor when they get back to Old Corona.

Distantly he hears someone call his name. “Varian?” the voice asks, and they sound concerned. Varian shakes his head. He’s fine. He just needs to figure out how to breathe again. He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s f-.

Someone grabs his upper arms and he flinches. He looks up to find himself in the dark. Well, not dark dark, but a pale gloom. How long did their supply run take? It was already nightfall, and they weren’t even home yet? But dad always tries to get home before dark, and it was just light a few seconds ago. This wasn’t making any sense.

Feeling the pressure still on his arms, Varian turned to look at the source, finding himself staring at a golden chest plate. Looking up, he saw the stern look of the guard holding his right arm firmly, dragging him along. Turning to his other side, he found an identical guard held onto his left arm.

Attempting to take in his surroundings, Varian glanced around. The torches on the wall did little to illuminate the gloomy atmosphere, but Varian knew this place by heart. After all- he had spent the worst year of his life here. He was in the castle dungeons, the shackles jingling on his wrists confirmed this as they walked.

Varian stole another glance up at the guard on his right. The man didn’t acknowledge him, only continued to drag him along.

“Where are we going?” Varian asked, trying to keep his tone level. He couldn’t afford to let the fear creep into his voice. After a few seconds with no response, Varian felt a familiar anger well up within him.

“Hey! I asked you a question! Where are you taking me?” Varian called, but the guard ignored him.

After a few minutes, they came to a stop outside a cell. The guard on his left opened the door, while the one on his right threw him to the ground inside.

“Hey! Watch it! I’ll make you pay for that you-” Varian froze at the sight he faced as he picked himself up off the ground. The cell the guards had thrown him into was not actually a cell. It had to be some sort of portal- that was the only thing that made logical sense. Kind of…. Stupid portal magic.

He was back in his lab. How he managed to get from the dungeons in Corona to his lab, he had no idea, but he was just glad to be rid of those guards. That is, until he heard a voice cry out to him….

“VARIAN!!!!!”

Varian turned to the source of the cry, finding his dad being slowly encased in the amber.

“NO!!!! DAD!” Varian ran towards his father, desperately attempting to try to stop the amber’s growth.

“Varian!” his dad cried out again.

“DAD!” Varian screamed, pounding on the amber encasing his father. He couldn’t lose him. Not again.

“Varian! Varian! Varian? Son? Can you hear me? Varian!?!”

Varian shook his head, startled back into reality.

“Varian?” his dad was gently holding his arms, kneeling in front of him.

Varian could feel himself trembling, tears pooling in his eyes. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. The only problem was that it was. Sure this particular vision had been some sort of nightmarish daydream, but prison, losing his dad- that was all too real.

“Varian?” Quirin called again gently, shaking his son. Varian’s glazed over eyes suddenly focused.

“Yeah dad?” Varian asked, his voice small- almost a whisper. Quirin sighed in relief.

“Are you alright son?” Quirin asked.

No. Varian was not alright. He was freaked out. He was anything but alright, and why couldn’t anyone see that? Why did everyone expect him to be okay, and to act like all of that never happened? Because it DID! IT DID HAPPEN! And it was horrible, and he did terrible things because of it, so he is horrible, and why does everyone keep acting like he’s not? He’s a terrible, rotten villain who doesn’t deserve Rapunzel’s compassionate forgiveness, nor his father’s kind understanding. And yet he got it which makes no sense.

The worst part is, he knows deep down he’s still angry with Rapunzel. While he knows what he did was wrong, she still abandoned him in his time of need. And he’s not talking about the storm- he understands why she couldn’t have come then, but why didn’t she come after? Why did she wait until he was desperate and out of options? It wasn’t fair. And then she made her father promise to look after him, and the king throws him in the dungeon for a year with a terrorist for a cellmate. How is that okay? How is any of this okay?

But of course Varian can’t tell his father this, because he just got him back, and he just told him he’s proud of him- he can’t lose that. Varian is sure of one thing- having his father disappointed in him again, losing this new relationship they have that is built on love and understanding- that would break him. He can feel the cracks in himself already, but he’s strong enough to hold the cracks together. He managed to do just that for a year with no one to help him then, he can do it easily now with his father back by his side.

“Are you alright Varian?” Quirin asks again.

Crap. He got lost in his thoughts and has been silent too long.

“I’m fine dad,” Varian forced a smile (although it came out as more of a grimace). He rubbed at the tears in his eyes. “I think I just had an allergic reaction to some pollen in the air. Nasty stuff, am I right?”

“…Right…,” Quirin stated, looking skeptical. He hesitated. “Are you sure you’re okay son?”

“I’m fine. Never better!” Varian replied. “Come on. We better get home before dark.”

Quirin nodded. “Alright son.”

~~~~~~

It had been 2 weeks since Varian’s redemption when he wakes up screaming. He’d had nightmares before, but this- this was a new level of horror. In this one, his drill had worked, the amber had been shattered, but when his father was released from his prison, he collapsed dead on the floor. Blinded by pain he had attacked Rapunzel and her family, only to have her use the black rocks against him. But this time, instead of her destroying his automaton and him being captured, a black rock struck though the metal machine and pierced through his chest, and he watched himself bleed out.

It was horrific, and though he clamps his hand over his mouth to stop screaming, he can’t stop shaking. He pulls his knees up to his chest and buries his face in his hands, trying to remember how to breathe. He vaguely feels Ruddiger climb up onto his shoulders and stroke his hair in an effort to calm him, but it has little effect.

“Varian?” his dad’s voice calls as he opens the door. “Are you alright? I thought I heard screaming.”

Varian quickly uncurls himself, and clenches his shaking hands into fists. He can’t let his dad see him like this. “I’m fine dad. I, um…, just had a nightmare.”

His father takes a step closer, but Varian flinches. So much for appearing calm and composed.

His father falters. “Do you- do you want to talk about it, son?”

Varian takes a deep breath, and prays it doesn’t sound as shaky as it feels.

“No…. No I’m good. I’m okay,” Varian states.

His father nods. “Well, I’m right down the hall if you change your mind.”

Varian nods, not trusting his voice. As his father leaves, Ruddiger climbs into his lap and nuzzles into his chest.

“Thanks buddy,” Varian murmurs, stroking his fur.

Varian shudders as his thoughts drift back towards the nightmare. Why did he keep having them? And why were they getting worse? He was on the right side of history now. He should be okay. So why wasn’t he?

Maybe he’s as crazy as everyone seems to think he is. Everyone minus Rapunzel and his dad- that is. Everything is back to normal. He should be fine. He should be okay. So why isn’t he?

~~~~~~

“I’m telling you, your majesty. He’s not himself,” Quirin lamented.

“Rapunzel- you can just call me Rapunzel,” the princess replied.

“Well, um… Rapunzel… Varian has been distant lately. I know for sure he’s having nightmares, but he won’t talk about them. And I believe he’s having anxiety attacks and panic attacks, but he makes excuses every time. He won’t be honest with me. I was hoping he might have said something to you,” Quirin stated hopefully.

Rapunzel sighed. “Unfortunately, Varian and I weren’t on the best terms until recently due to you being… unavailable…. And with my parents’ memories gone, I haven’t been able to check on him as much as I like, due to me being busy with royal duties.”

Rapunzel frowned. Leaving Varian alone was the exact reason why this whole mess happened in the first place. Maybe she should check on him. It would nearly impossible to get away for a full day due to her practically running the kingdom now, but maybe a half day wouldn’t hurt if it could help a friend.

“Of course,” Quirin stated. “I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t busy. I was just hoping-”

“Oh no! Don’t worry. That wasn’t implied at all. I know you’re just concerned about your son. I’m concerned about Varian too. He’s my friend, and I don’t want to hurt him again. Maybe I could stop by later in the week to say ‘hi’ if that’s alright with you?”

“That would be great, Rapunzel. I’m sure Varian will be happy to see you.”

“I look forward to it.” Rapunzel smiled. She wouldn’t abandon her friend- not again. Everything was going to be okay.

~~~~~~

“Went into Corona to get supplies. Be back by sundown. There’s plenty of bread for you to make ham sandwiches for lunch. Please make sure to eat in-between experimenting. Love you, Dad,” Varian read his father’s note aloud.

“That’s odd, Ruddiger. We just got supplies 2 days ago. We normally wouldn’t go for more for at least another week, if not a month,” Varian frowned.

Setting the note down, he grabbed 2 apples (one for each of them) and headed outside to do his chores. He still hadn’t really been up to experimenting lately. Now that he got his dad back, he was trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Plus, experimenting was what got him into this mess in the first place, and he still wasn’t comfortable enough yet to try.

Well, he had tried, but he was shaking so badly he accidentally added too much catalyst to his reaction, and when the thing shattered in a mini explosion, he had a miniature anxiety attack that led to him hyperventilating to the point where he almost passed out- so it was safe to say he wasn’t about to try THAT again anytime soon.

But his dad didn’t need to know that. He didn’t want to worry him, or disappoint him. So he would spend hours a day in his lab, just to keep up appearances. He would still do some alchemy, but it would be stuff he knew for sure how to do- no new experimentation. Which was fine, if not exciting. But to be fair, Varian felt like he’d had enough excitement for a lifetime.

Varian was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he didn’t see his neighbor until it was too late. They collided and sent each other sprawling across the road.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry,” Varian stammered, avoiding eye contact. Great- just another reason for someone to hate him.

The elderly woman, Mila, smiled at him as he helped her up. “That’s quite alright, Varian. Where are you off to?”

Mila was one of the few townspeople who was still nice to him. She was kind and grandmotherly (or at least so Varian was told- he’s never met his grandparents- he wasn’t even sure he had any), and seemed to care about him for some strange reason.

“I’m just off to do my chores while my dad’s in Corona getting supplies,” Varian replied, hoping to keep the conversation short. While Mila was nice to him, he didn’t want to stay on the main road too long, or he might run into someone else less compassionate.

“Supplies?” Mila questioned. “When I ran into him early this morning he said he was off to speak with the princess on an urgent personal matter.”

“Wha-what?” Varian stammered. Why would his dad lie?

Oblivious to Varian’s shock, Mila affectionately patted his head. “Well I’m off to the orchards. Let me know if you need anything while your dad’s gone.”

Varian stood frozen in the middle of the road. His dad lied. His dad LIED!!!!! He couldn’t breathe. Memories flashed before his eyes.

“Varian, children have no place in court.”

“That is ENOUGH, Varian!”

With each memory, his chest grew tighter, and his vision blurred as tears filled his eyes. Chores forgotten, Varian took off at a sprint towards his house.

His dad lied. His dad LIED! Last time he lied, he lied about the black rocks, and they DESTROYED EVERYTHING! Why would his dad lie now? Unless….

Varian threw open the door to his house, and ran to his room, slamming the door and barricading himself inside. Mila had said his dad needed to talk to the princess about a personal matter. Princess Rapunzel- his former enemy and current sort of friend. The one who’d freed his dad from the amber. The one who’d pardoned him after saying he had redeemed himself.

Why would his dad need to talk to her? Old Corona was doing okay- the rebuilding was going well. No urgent news needed her attention. And besides, Mila had said it was a personal matter. There was only one personal thing his dad and Rapunzel had in common- him. They were talking about him.

They were talking about him, and his dad felt the need to lie about them talking about him. His dad lied. His dad LIED! If his dad lied about speaking to Rapunzel about him, then what else has he lied about? Why do they need to talk about him in the first place? He’s doing fine. He’s said so a thousand times. Unless….

Varian shudders, bringing trembling hands to his face. They lied. They haven’t forgiven him. They don’t believe he’s changed. They’re waiting for him to crack, to turn back into a villain and destroy everything. He should have known. That’s why his dad has been spending so much time with him lately- he’s been watching him. Keeping an eye on him, so when he breaks they’ll be ready to stop him.

He should have known. His dad’s never been proud of him- he was foolish to think otherwise. And Rapunzel could never forgive him after all the atrocities he committed. He kidnapped her mother- the queen- and tried to kill her! How could anyone ever forgive that?!?

No- he was unforgivable. His dad- No! Quirin- he wasn’t his father anymore- he obviously didn’t want him…. Quirin and Rapunzel may have lied to his face, but because of their lies he finally learned the truth- he was an unforgivable monster. A wild beast full of rage and pain, unredeemable in every way. There was no place for him here.

Grabbing his bag, Varian began loading it full of supplies. Clothes, food, basic alchemy chemicals, etc. Whatever he would need to disappear and never come back. No one wanted him here anyway, so it would be better if he just left before he hurt anyone else.

Tearing a piece of paper from his lab notebook, Varian’s hand shook as he wrote a hasty note. He needed to get out of here before his dad got back. If they knew he had discovered the truth- he couldn’t go back to prison, he WOULDN’T. And that was the only place they could safely keep a monster like him locked up.

“Quirin,” the letter read. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better son. I’m sorry you had to lie to me. But at least now you won’t have to worry about me destroying things anymore. -Varian”

Leaving the note on the table where he found Quirin’s original note, Varian hoisted his bag over his shoulder. Ruddiger pawed at his leg, as if trying to convince him to stop, to wait, but Varian knew he couldn’t stay.

Reaching down, Varian scooped up his only true friend. Pulling him close to his chest, Varian buried his face in his fur, whispering, “I’m sorry buddy.”

Placing the raccoon down, Varian left out the front door. When Ruddiger made to follow, he turned.

“Don’t! Don’t follow me!”

Ruddiger flinched back and hid in the doorway. Satisfied that he wouldn’t be followed, Varian turned and fled.

~~~~~~

Quirin arrived home later that afternoon to a frantic Ruddiger and a disturbing note from his son. Hands shaking, he reread the note at least 5 times before flying down the hall to Varian’s room, only to find it deserted.

He ran to his son’s lab, only to find it abandoned as well. Notably, both rooms were missing various supplies and food was missing from the pantry. This confirmed Quirin’s fears- Varian had run away.

Frantic, he ran outside, screaming for Varian. He ran down the road asking every villager he’d passed if they’d seen his son. To his dismay, the last person to have seen him was Mila late in the morning.

Being the leader of Old Corona had its advantages- a search party was created within minutes, the people of Old Corona canvasing the village and the surrounding area looking for his son. The people may not have the best opinion of his son right now, but he was their leader, and they weren’t going to let a teenage boy die alone in the woods.

NO! Quirin thought. Varian was fine. That train of thought was unhelpful. He was fine. They’d find him soon, and Quirin would apologize, and stroke his hair, and hug him, and never let him go. He’d be okay.

As night began to fall and the torches were lit so the search could continue, Quirin felt tears begin to pool in his eyes. This was all his fault. He knew Varian was struggling, and he left him alone- just like old times. Well never again. He promises both himself and Varian that he will never let his son feel alone ever again. He would make sure of it. His son would be okay. He had to be.

~~~~~~

It had been 3 days since Varian ran away, and 2 and a half weeks since the princess had freed him from the amber, when Quirin once again found himself seeking her help.

“Please your majesty- Rapunzel. He’s just vanished. We can’t find him anywhere. This is all my fault, and he could be hurt or scared, and I-I can’t lose him,” Quirin felt tears begin to stream down his cheeks. It was an odd sensation- he almost never cried, but his son was lost, and not being honest and vulnerable enough was part of the reason why, so screw being strong. Being strong hadn’t helped back then, and he wasn’t about to try it now- not with Varian’s life on the line.

“It’ll be alright, Quirin.” Rapunzel placed a gentle hand on his shoulder in support. “We’ll find him.”

~~~~~~

The woods sucked. Varian had officially decided. It was cold at night, and humid during the day, and all sorts of weird animals made scary noises at night, but hey- at least he wasn’t endangering anyone out here on his own. Although, he was starting to regret not bringing Ruddiger with him…. He could use a friend….

Night was quickly approaching on what was his fourth day on his own, and his stomach grumbled. Digging some of his provisions out of his bag, Varian frowned. He would run out of food sooner or later- he needed to come up with a plan for what to do then.

Settling back against a tree, Varian sat down to eat dinner before making camp. He was exhausted. He was quickly realizing that while he had a natural gift for alchemy, he did NOT have a knack for nature. Hiking was exhausting, and left him feeling drained. He had run out of water on day 2, and all attempts to purify water he had collected had failed spectacularly. He really should come up with an alchemy that makes purifying water simple. Oh well, he’d figured something out eventually.

He was so useless in the outdoors; he couldn’t even start a fire properly. Oh sure, for the past 15 years of his life, he started all sorts of fires with his alchemy on accident, but the ONE TIME he needs a fire on PURPOSE- nothing.

Whatever…. At least the only person he was disappointing out here was himself.

Unbidden, thoughts of his father popped into his head. His warm hugs, his soft smiles, the hot cocoa he would make when Varian was sad, the ham sandwiches he would bring to his lab to make sure he was eating, the- No! Stop it Varian! Stop it! You’re never going to see him again. It’s better this way.

And yet deep down Varian couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t.

~~~~~~

“Alright Max. Got the scent?” Rapunzel asked.

Max neighed an affirmative.

“Not to question your methods, Rapunzel, but how is this horse going to help us find Varian?” Quirin asked, looking skeptical.

“Max is an expert tracker. If anyone can find Varian- it’s him.”

Quirin nodded. “Okay. Let’s go find my son.”

~~~~~~

Varian must have drifted off because next thing he knows he’s waking up to the sun peeking through the trees. Groaning, he stretches out his aching legs making to stand up. Unfortunately, his left leg was still asleep so the moment he puts pressure on it, he collapses face-first into the dirt.

Hearing giggling, he looks up, only to stare in shock as a familiar face comes into view.

“Need a hand?” Rapunzel asks, gently reaching for his arm and helping him up, supporting him until he can stand on his own.

Shrugging off her help, Varian glares at her. “What are YOU doing here?” he hissed.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she responds, as if it’s natural for the current ruler of Corona to just be out in the middle of the woods somewhere.

“If you came looking for me- I don’t need your help. You don’t have to feel obligated to help me- we’re not even real friends. I know you and Quirin lied to me.”

Rapunzel frowned. “Varian- we had a good reason to. Just because you don’t understand-”

“OH I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY!” Varian shouted, cutting her off. “I know when I’m not wanted. You don’t have to pretend anymore Rapunzel. I ran away on purpose so you don’t have to worry about me any longer. I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Rapunzel asked, sitting down under a tree and patting the spot next to her.

Varian remained standing, refusing to meet her eyes. “I’m fine, Rapunzel. I promise.”

Rapunzel sighed. “I guess neither of us have ever been very good about keeping our promises.”

“WHAT?!? I said I’M FINE! Don’t you get it! I don’t need you. And you don’t need me. So why don’t you just leave?!? Tell Quirin I’m okay, and that it’s better this way.”

Rapunzel gazed up at him, “Are you sure that’s what you want, Varian?”

“YES!” Varian growled. This was definitely what he wanted. Out here no one would lie to him. Out here he couldn’t hurt anyone. There were no expectations, no rules. He wouldn’t be forced to relive his past every single day. He was free. He could start over.

“Is starting over really the best option, Varian?” Rapunzel asked.

Varian frowned. It was as if she’d heard his thoughts. How was she so good at this? “I think so…,” Varian said.

“You don’t sound so sure,” Rapunzel commented.

“Well how can I be sure of ANYTHING when I’ve spent the last couple years of my life surrounded by liars and betrayers?!?”

Rapunzel pulled her knees up to her chest. “Varian- you KNOW I’m sorry for not coming to help you. I should have. I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe I was scared…. But you know what that feels like don’t you?”

Varian deflated, flopping down next to her, leaning back against the tree. “Yeah…. I do,” he murmured.

“What are you afraid of?” Rapunzel asked.

Varian sighed. “I’m-I’m afraid I might lose control again. I’m still mad at you, you know. And I shouldn’t be, but I am. You abandoned me when I needed you- how do I know you won’t do it again? And what’s to stop me from losing control again when you do? Or what if something else triggers this anger-this… this monster inside of me? What if I’m a danger to everyone around me?”

Rapunzel nodded in understanding. “You’re right. I wish I’d done some things differently, and I wish you hadn’t responded the way you had. I guess there’s just some things we can’t take back…,” she stated wistfully.

“I can’t go back to Corona,” Varian muttered. “I can’t risk hurting my dad- not again.”

“You’re right. You shouldn’t go back.”

“What?” Varian turned in shock.

Rapunzel stood up suddenly crossing her arms, and scowling down at him. “You’re right. You shouldn’t go back. You were nothing but a menace while you were there. All you did was cause everyone around you pain and misery- especially your father. You blew up Old Corona several times with your crazy magic- oh I’m sorry- alchemy, you encased your father in amber, you kidnapped my mother, tried to kill me and my friends, committed countless acts of treason-”

“STOP!” Varian shouted, shooting to his feet. “JUST STOP! I know what I did! I don’t need you throwing it back in my face! Why don’t you just leave?!?”

“You know you’re right to be afraid Varian. You are a monster. Enjoy the woods. Enjoy being alone- it’s what you deserve.” Rapunzel turned and left, leaving him alone.

Shaking, Varian clutched his head, sinking to his knees. Tears began to stream down his face. “I don’t want to be alone,” he whispered.

~~~~~~~

Varian’s head shot up, slamming back against the tree he was leaning against. “Ow,” he groaned, rubbing at his head.

Looking around, he took in the early morning sun peeking through the trees. Rapunzel was nowhere to be seen.

Varian shuddered. It must have all been a dream. A terrible, horrible nightmare. Grabbing his canteen, he went to drink some water, only to be reminded it was empty. Scratch the nightmare theory- hallucinations from dehydration were equally as likely.

Varian got shakily to his feet, leaning on the tree for support. He needed to find clean water, and soon. He made it 5 steps before he collapsed. Dragging himself into a sitting position, Varian buried his face in his knees. He didn’t know what to do. He wishes his dad were here- he would know how to help. He always knew how to fix everything. That’s part of the reason why Varian had been so lost when his dad had been encased in the amber. For the first time in his life he was without guidance or support, and it crushed him.

Coming into the woods was a mistake. It wasn’t going to solve anything, and now he was going to die out here all alone. Was his dad even looking for him? He had implied he shouldn’t, but maybe his dad hadn’t listened?

Varian’s shoulders shook, but no tears fell. He didn’t have any left to cry.

“Please,” he whispered. “Someone find me.”

~~~~~~

“Alright. Max lost the scent, but he seems to believe Varian is close by. If we split up, I’m sure we’ll find him in no time,” Rapunzel stated, passing a lit torch to Quirin. Night had fallen on day 5 since Varian had run away, and they were beginning to really worry.

As Rapunzel took her own torch and headed in the opposite direction as Quirin, she couldn’t help but feel that this was all her fault. She should have known Varian wasn’t just going to be okay. He’d had a year full of trauma- ranging from losing his dad to prison, and she’d left him alone yet again. She guesses she had just hoped that somehow Varian would magically be back to his old self, but now she realizes what a stupid prospect that was. They had to find him. She had to make sure he was okay.

After about a 10-minute walk, Rapunzel heard sniffling coming from being a tree. “Varian?” she called.

“Go away Rapunzel. I know you’re not real. Just a figment of my imagination. No one’s actually looking for me.”

“Varian…,” Rapunzel walked around the tree, illuminating the curled up boy with her torch. His hair and clothes were matted with dirt, and his shoulders were trembling.

“I said ‘GO AWAY!’” Varian whined. “The real Rapunzel doesn’t care about me enough to come looking for me.”

“Of course I do, Varian. I’m right here.” Rapunzel knelt in front of the shaking boy.

Varian lifted his head to glare at the Rapunzel imposter (Raposter maybe? Ugh- thinking made his head hurt even more than it already did). “That’s exactly what my imagination would say.”

Rapunzel reached over and pinched him.

“OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?”

“There,” Rapunzel stated. “Now you know I’m real.”

“A real pain…,” Varian grumbled, turning his glare away from her to the ground.

Rapunzel staked the torch in the dirt so that her hands were free. “Varian…. What are you doing?” She reached out to take his hand. Varian snatched it away.

“I ran away, what does it look like I’m doing?!?” he snapped, before breaking out into a coughing fit. Rapunzel dug her own canteen from her satchel and passed it to him. He greedily downed the whole thing.

“I can see that…,” Rapunzel replied. “Can I ask why?”

Varian shook his head. Rapunzel sighed. “Varian, your dad said you left a note. Said that you thought it was better this way. Why do you think this…,” she gestured to the forest surrounding them, “is better?”

“The forest sucks,” Varian mumbled, still refusing to meet her eyes again.

“Then why are you here?” Rapunzel asked.

“Because it’s safer.”

Rapunzel frowned. Varian was a smart kid, he had to know the woods weren’t safe at night. There were all kinds of wild animals, and robbers- not to mention considering she found him severely dehydrated, he obviously wasn’t prepared to take care of himself out here. How the heck was this safer?

“Varian,” Rapunzel started gently. “Whatever illusion you have that the woods are safe- they’re not. You could have been seriously hurt. Whatever you’re so afraid of back in Corona, you can tell me and I’ll protect you from it. I promise.”

Varian flinched at that word- “promise.” This was the first promise Rapunzel had made to him since the amber.

“It’s not me who needs protecting, Rapunzel,” Varian murmured.

“I’m not sure I understand. Is your dad in trouble? He came with me. He’s looking for you. I can help fix whatever happened. I won’t leave you to face this alone. I won’t abandon you.”

“BUT YOU SHOULD!” Varian screamed, finally making eye contact with her. “I’m a danger to everyone around me. It’s only a matter of time before I mess up, or snap, and someone gets hurt again. It’s not me who needs protecting. You have to protect your kingdom, my dad, yourself from me! Protect Corona, princess. Leave me here. It’s what I deserve.”

Rapunzel was frozen in shock at Varian’s outburst. “Varian…. You can’t possibly mean that.”

Varian buried his face in his knees, shoulders trembling. Rapunzel reached out to take his hand, and this time he let her.

“Varian. Why do think I need to protect people from you? Why do you think this is what you deserve?”

“Because I’m a monster,” Varian whispered into his knees.

“Varian-”

“I kidnapped the Queen, I destroyed Old Corona and attacked the people with automatons, I encased my dad in amber, I tried to kill you-”

“Varian stop!” Rapunzel squeezed his hand. “I already know all of that. And even knowing all of that, I still believe you’re not a monster. So unless you have new evidence to the contrary- you are definitely NOT a monster.”

Varian sighed. “How can you be sure?”

Rapunzel hummed in thought, considering her response carefully. “You’re not a monster, Varian. I would know- I’ve battled my fair share of monsters. I was kidnapped and raised by one for 18 years- so I definitely know my monsters, and you are NOT a monster. You are a brilliant kid who faced some traumatic circumstances alone, which is my fault because I should have been there for you since you are my friend.

You were an angry and hurt teenager who lashed out because you wanted others to know your pain. You made poor choices fueled by rage and hate, and then spent a year in prison where you were manipulated by a Saporian terrorist into making some misguided decisions that hurt people. And yet, when I needed your help the most- you stepped up. You’re not a monster, Varian. A monster would have let Corona burn to the ground. While your misdeeds may have hurt others, they came from a place of hurt yourself. And in the end, you chose to try to make things right. So you’re not a monster, Varian. I personally consider you a friend.”

Varian looked up to meet Rapunzel’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Rapunzel.”

“Me too.”

Scooting over so she was sitting next to Varian, Rapunzel gently wrapped her arm around his shoulders. Varian leaned into her, resting his head on her shoulder.

“I wanna go home, Rapunzel.”

Squeezing him close, Rapunzel smiled. “I think we can do that.”

~~~~~~

When Rapunzel and Varian returned to the clearing where Rapunzel and Quirin split up, they found Quirin frantically pacing. “He could be anywhere,” he muttered as he walked back and forth.

“DAD!” Varian called, breaking free from where Rapunzel was supporting him as they walked to run over to hug his father.

“Varian!” Quirin’s face lit up upon seeing his son, and he clutched him close as they hugged.

“Don’t you EVER scare me like that again! I’m so sorry I lied, and I’m so sorry I made you feel like you weren’t wanted. I promise I’ll do better,” Quirin stammered.

“It’s okay dad. It wasn’t your fault. I just didn’t want to hurt you again.”

“Varian,” Quirin started. “Your absence hurt me more than your presence ever could. I love you son.”

“I love you too dad. Let’s go home.”

~~~~~~

Quirin had ended up carrying Varian back to their home as he was too exhausted to walk on his own. Rapunzel had offered to let him ride Max, but Quirin didn’t want to let go of his son for a single second now that he had him back. Varian was too tired to argue.

Arms wrapped around his dad’s neck, Varian thought over the events of the last week. It had been stupid to run away- he knew that now. But he’d been so scared of himself, it seemed like the only option at the time. Now, however, he knew that his dad would always love him, and Rapunzel would always look out for him. Always.

There was still one thing bothering him though. “So what personal matter did you two discuss the day I ran away?” Varian asked.

Rapunzel glanced up at Quirin and smiled. “Well actually, your dad was worried about you. He said you were struggling to adjust, and I was planning to stop by to come hang out with you since I hadn’t seen you in a while.”

“It’d only been 2 weeks,” Varian mumbled.

“Well that’s 2 weeks too long,” Rapunzel giggled. “You’re my friend, Varian. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Thanks Rapunzel.” Varian gave a small smile.

“How are you doing, son?” Quirin asked, concern lining his face. “Are you okay?”

Varian frowned, giving the question some thought. “I’m not okay, but I think that’s okay. One day I’m sure I’ll be able to say I’m fine and mean it, but for now, I’m okay with being not fine, as long as you are here to help me.”

Quirin and Rapunzel shared a smile.

“Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Does this count as a happy ending? I think so.... Varian's got a long road ahead of him, but at least this time he's not alone.  
>   
> Feel free to let me know what you think. Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
